I stared into the abyss and the abyss stared back and it was white and blue and all the worst things about playing commander.
It's a habit I can't help. I love to stare into the Abyss. I loved Uncut Gems. I read Cormac Mccarthy's The Road straight through with no pause. I love walking through the temple at Burning Man while scorchingly high. And I even read the news regularly.
Pondering the most terrible helps me appreciate what I have. So I've taken it upon myself to design a deck that drains all the fun out of commander. The first step is to define what I love about commander:
1. Drawing Cards
2. Casting Spells
3. Triggering Abilities
4. Combat
5. Casting my Commander
6. The sanctity of land based mana
7. Having a win con
8. Playing against opponents who have a win con
9. Casting spells into a board where my opponents have no blue mana open
10. Not Paying Taxes
The next step was finding the color pair that would shut down all of these things most effectively. I suspected and confirmed that Azorius was the ideal bucket of nope to shape this horrific thought experiment from. White is a terrible color for acceleration, but it's great for putting the brakes on everybody's deck. Add the counters from blue and you have the perfect storm of denial that will wipe away all that is fun.
This is a thought experiment. I haven't built this deck and I don't recommend anyone should. But if you see elements of decks you like to play in this deck, consider what you are doing to your play group and whether you should stop.
Now let me take you on a Can't Trip through the horrors of Azorius Buzz Kill Tribal.
Best to let everyone know what they're in for the moment you drop your commander on the table.
Tax Man in the command zone let's folks know this will be less fun: one mana less fun each spell.
Now for the contents of the bucket of nope
No Casting Your Commander
No Untapping Lands
No Untapping Artifacts
No Untapping Big Creatures
No Untapping Little Creatures
No Untapping Green Creatures
No Untapping Anything
No Keeping Secrets
No Really, No Secrets (I know it's situational and petty which makes it so much worse)
No Playing Lots of Spells
No Playing Even Costed Spells
In Fact No Playing Any Spells
No Searching Your Library
No Paying Life or Sacrificing Creatures for Fun and Profit
No Drawing Lots of Cards
No Making Plans (combines with Narset for No More Than One Card in Hand)
In Fact, No Cards in Hand
No Flying
Which Means No Attacking
No ETBs and No Death Triggers
No Activating Your Creatures
No Activating Your Planeswalkers
No Activating Your Artifacts
In Fact, No Activating Anything
No Playing With Your Graveyard
In Fact, No Graveyards
No Extra Turns
No Having More things than Me
No Lands
No Creatures, Ever
In Fact, No Board At All
No Playing Any Instants
And No Feeling Safe Casting a Spell
Ever
Ever!
Was that a long obnoxious slog of a post? Well, that gives you an idea of what it would be like to play against this deck. By now, it should be clear that the worst thing about this deck is that it doesn't have a real win con. It exists only to destroy and disrupt.
Now that we've looked into the abyss, what have we learned.
Part of the reason white is a terrible color is that no one wants to play against a deck that keeps you from playing magic. Trying to make up for white's lack of ramp and card draw by giving it the ability to stop those things for other people doesn't work. You put those white stax cards in your deck and no one will want to play with you.
Don't take the fun out of the game for other people. Good games of commander give everyone the chance to do what their deck is trying to do. If you have elements of this deck in your deck, consider what you're doing to the other players around you. Consider warning them about what you'll do or more accurately what they won't be able to do if your deck works. There are some more competitive metas where this is fine, but you should make sure that's the case before playing any of these terrible cards.
Finally, play to win. Without a win con, you're just a speedbump in a game of commander. And please don't make plays that prolong the game rather than progressing towards your win con. It's patronizing and denies other players the chance to play another game and get another chance to win.
Before I give you the full deck list, please raise your right hand and repeat the following:
I will not be a buzzkill.
I will not build this terrible deck.
I will not play cards that stop people from playing Magic.
Great. Here's the deck list
Check it out and let me know: 1. Did I miss any other terrible cards that ruin commander in this deck?
2. Is there a worse buzzkill commander? (I considered Gattock Teeg)
3. What else makes a deck terrible to play against? (this deck doesn't take long solitaire like turns, which I also hate)
Thanks to @gurustunts for reminding me about 3feri